i need help or something - Forum

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bee wrote:
(tw: mentions of mental illnesses )

(update on page 2)

i promised myself i would never make a thread about boyfriend issues again, because i felt like you all were annoyed by it. but this is different, i think, and if you think its annoying or anything else like that, please just click away from this thread, im really not in the mood for negative comments like that. thank you. <3

so im in this messed up situation and i really dont know what to do at all. this has been going on for more than two months now and im all alone, i have no one to talk to about this, and i cannot handle it by myself. i just need to talk about and hear what other people think and maybe someone can give an advice on what i should do. i just need to share. a little

background story:
so a little over two months ago my boyfriend had to stop on his medications (for anxiety). his psychiatrist told him he could just stop whenever he wanted without lowering the dose slowly. so thats what he did, stopped on his medications from one day to another. of course this was a very bad thing to do (and i cant believe the psychiatrist let him do it), so he immediately got a lot worse. he got so bad that he had to get admitted to a mental hospital. i was very shocked when he told me this and i secretly did not handle it very well. he told me he would be there for max two weeks.
now its been two months and he is still there. he is dissociated most of the time and they suspect he is now psychotic as a result of stopping on the medicine too fast. though they dont know, cus the dissociating might just be a reacting of itself. did that make sense? i dont know, doesnt matter. the point is, whatever is wrong with him, he wont get well for a long time. he told me he might be there till christmas, and maybe even longer than that.

all this. i am not handling it very well. everything hurts, its all i can think about all day and theres nothing i can do. i am mentally ill myself and are already not doing good at all. so ever since all this shit happened i have had mental breakdowns almost everyday. i cant handle this. at all.

my boyfriend was the only good thing i had in my life. now that good thing has turned into a really bad thing. i dont want this bad thing in my life, it is literally tearing me apart. but i dont wanna loose the good thing and maybe theres still hope that the good thing can come back. but if i let go of the bad thing, i will never have that amazing lovely once in a lifetime good thing again. no matter what i do, it will hurt.

i have come to the point where i turn off my phone for 10-12 hours everyday, because if i dont, i will constantly look at my phone to see if i have gotten a message from him. which i dont have, because he only text me like twice a day. i know its because he is too ill to text me more often, and it hurts so much to know that he is not doing good. so when i turn off my phone, i dont have to think about it as much. it gives me a tiny bit of freedom.
he is so distant now. i feel like i dont know who he is anymore and im afraid to go visit him, because im afraid he will feel like a stranger and i wouldnt want to kiss or even hug him.

he told me the medicine they give him makes him very numb and he doesnt feel much and when his family are visiting he say they feel like strangers to him (because of the dissociating). so i cant help but to think, if all this, what even am i to him?

to be honest, at this point i just wanna give up. i dont want to be with him anymore. well, i do wanna be with him, but i dont wanna be with him like this. i wish i could, but i am not strong enough and i cant handle it anymore. it hurts too much all the fucking time. IF i broke up with him, he would get hurt, but i think if i stay with him, i will stay hurt, and i have stayed hurt for a very very very long time and maybe im selfish here, but i really think i deserve better. i should not have to go through this.
but how shitty of a person would i be if i really broke up with him while he is in the most vulnerable state and is going through the worst times of his life? i cannot break up with him when he is like this.

maybe if i knew we had a future together ahead of us, maybe then i would be able to go through all this pain to get to the other side. but i dont know what the future holds for us. i know he want to get married and have kids one day and i have yet to tell him, that that is not what i want in life. if i told him that, he could make the choice if i should stay or go. if he knew that and would still want a future with me, then maybe i could hold on and try to stay strong. but of course i cant put him in that situation when he is this mentally ill. but it would be easier if he could just make the choice.

i dont wanna break up with him. i dont wanna stay with with him. i dont wanna do anything. i dont wanna do nothing. im really really torn. everything hurts and i cant handle it anymore. i dont wanna loose him, but i feel like i already have. i knew this wasnt gonna last forever but im not ready for it to be over already. i will never find anyone like him again. i have never met anyone who understands me like he understands me.

i dont know what to do. sometimes i just wanna throw away my computer and my phone and never ever talk to him again and just pretend this time in my life never happened. just start over and build a new life for myself. of course i wont do that, but i like the thought of it sometimes.

i need help and im all alone and torn. do you have any advice or do you have anything to say? i need to talk about it all.

sorry this got so long.
if you made it this far, i am endlessly grateful that you took the time to read everything. i needed to share this, and already after writing it all down, i feel a little lighter. thank you so much <3

(i will be back when i have stopped crying)

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bee wrote:
i dont even know if anyone will read this, but now its out and that is also something

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bee wrote:
im gonna visit him on sunday for the first time ever since he got admitted. i have not seen him in two months. i dont want to go. i dont want to be so close to the pain. i just wanna shove it under the rug and pretend its not there for as long as i can. what do i even say to him? do i tell him all this that im feeling or do i just kiss him and pretend im glad to see him again? i feel like crying every time i think about going to the mental hospital. i also have my own reasons for not wanting to be exactly right there. i really dont want to go there. i know i have to though. i feel like a shitty girlfriend. i wish i could be more supportive, but im just useless.

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bee wrote:
ok maybe it was a bad time to post this when the site is absolute fucked

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rottomilko wrote:
you really have to take care of your own mental health first
and i’m sure he will understand that as well

atm it seems like he is ill and u get dragged down with it and why should both of u suffer?
sometimes u need to make choices that makes life better for you

think about what’s the right thing for you
when it comes to mental health u should put yourself first ✨

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ouch wrote:
Wait why did he have to quit his meds in the first place

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bee wrote:

Melk wrote:
you really have to take care of your own mental health first
and i’m sure he will understand that as well

atm it seems like he is ill and u get dragged down with it and why should both of u suffer?
sometimes u need to make choices that makes life better for you

think about what’s the right thing for you
when it comes to mental health u should put yourself first ✨

i just feel so selfish if i choose myself. his mental health is much worse than mine and i dont wanna put him through a breakup when he is like that. but maybe youre right. maybe i should put myself first for once. not that breaking up with him will make me happy, but maybe less miserable. i would miss him forever

i thought about maybe if we just took a break? then we could both work on ourself and get better and then try again. idk, i also feel like i dont deserve him if i just leave when he is doing bad and then come back when its all good again

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bee wrote:

ouch wrote:
Wait why did he have to quit his meds in the first place

they werent working or something. i think he had to change to something else. i cant really remember

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Hazelnut wrote:
1. which med was he on?
2 . why do you REALLY wanna break up with him
3. and why do you DONT wanna break up with him

and fourthly maybe the thingie ur not aware of.
have you searched any information of what is dissociation and what does psychotic mean?
bc there truly is A HUGE DIFFERENCE between them and psychotic symptoms are usually fixed with meds. you cant really affect if you get psychotic or not
also DISSOCIATION is a completely different thing and it has no cure except therapy (if even that)
mainly you can be psychotic for months but dissociation isnt that permanent.

MissLondon
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MissLondon wrote:
I would use the time apart to work on myself.
You can't help someone else if things are a mess for you too
Best of luck to you both

Gilmore
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Gilmore wrote:
I had a guy with mental health issues. It was nothing like this, but we were both very troubled and it was soo hard to go on at times.

Do something that no one does when they're afraid to let go: just... let go. Not easy to do, but given the fact that you're both falling apart, together and on your own - it's not healthy. He's not your responsibility. If you're not ready to break up, at least take some distance or talk with him about taking a mental health vacation from each other.

It's true you'll never find anyone like him again. Every person that walks in your life is unique in their own way. You can find good people, better people and the best people - question is, is he the best? Even if he is, there will be another person who is the best in his own way.

I know it's scary, I've been there, too. I was always the one who couldn't let go, always romanticizing shit and seeing the good in people. Letting go is hard but goddamn it does it feel good.
Hon, he may be good, but he isn't the best. You deserve the best.

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bee wrote:

Hazelnut wrote:
1. which med was he on?
2 . why do you REALLY wanna break up with him
3. and why do you DONT wanna break up with him

and fourthly maybe the thingie ur not aware of.
have you searched any information of what is dissociation and what does psychotic mean?
bc there truly is A HUGE DIFFERENCE between them and psychotic symptoms are usually fixed with meds. you cant really affect if you get psychotic or not
also DISSOCIATION is a completely different thing and it has no cure except therapy (if even that)
mainly you can be psychotic for months but dissociation isnt that permanent.

i dont know. something for anxiety. he was only on it for a few months if i remember correctly. they were trying to find the right meds for him i think.

i want to break up with him because this is not a relationship anymore. and everything thats happening is tearing me apart. i want to not worry about him all the time. i want to not cry all the time. i want to be free from all this mess. im not strong enough and my mental health cant handle him too. i want to not be miserable all the time and right now his situation is the reason why i am very miserable.

i dont want to break up with him because he is my life. he has given me a purpose in life. without him i would be nothing. i have no one but him. i love him. he made me happy and he made me laugh. he made me forget about all the bad things in my life and he taught me to live. we have so many memories together and i want more. im not ready to give up on everything we build together. he is not just a boyfriend to me, he feels like my family. i dont have a great relationship to any family member, but he showed me what it is like to be a family. i dont want to break up with him because it will hurt so so much. i will miss him. i dont think i have room to miss one more person. theres so many people i miss and it already hurt so much.
maybe deep down i know its already over, but when i let go, thats when it becomes reality, and i dont want to go through that.

yes im aware of what those two things are. im not very well informed of his situation, but i wrote what he told me over a short phone call a few weeks ago. apparently the doctors think he is dissociating because he is psychotic or something. he think the dissociating is still just a side effect from stopping on the meds. they put him on anti psychotic anyway. i dont know what the latest update is, but he told me something about he wanted to go into a therapy program for the dissociating, but first he had to get off the anti psychotics, which would take a long time to get out of. but the doctors were still giving him higher doses, cus they still think he is psychotic. really i dont know anything about whats going on. the information i have gotten is very little.

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bee wrote:

MissLondon wrote:
I would use the time apart to work on myself.
You can't help someone else if things are a mess for you too
Best of luck to you both

that is very true and i have come to a point where i want to help myself, and maybe thats what i should focus on now
thank you <3

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bee wrote:

Gilmore wrote:
I had a guy with mental health issues. It was nothing like this, but we were both very troubled and it was soo hard to go on at times.

Do something that no one does when they're afraid to let go: just... let go. Not easy to do, but given the fact that you're both falling apart, together and on your own - it's not healthy. He's not your responsibility. If you're not ready to break up, at least take some distance or talk with him about taking a mental health vacation from each other.

It's true you'll never find anyone like him again. Every person that walks in your life is unique in their own way. You can find good people, better people and the best people - question is, is he the best? Even if he is, there will be another person who is the best in his own way.

I know it's scary, I've been there, too. I was always the one who couldn't let go, always romanticizing shit and seeing the good in people. Letting go is hard but goddamn it does it feel good.
Hon, he may be good, but he isn't the best. You deserve the best.

thank you so much for your words, you have given me something to reflect on. it all hurts so much, but the more i think about it, the more i realize that taking our time apart is the right thing to do. no matter what i do i will be in pain, but if i let go, maybe i will feel a bit of relief too..

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wrote:
You need to take care of yourself first, Bee. It may be hard to let go because it's scary to loose, and especially scary to loose good things, but notice how you say it like you still have all that good-once-in-a-lifetime-things? It's a contradiction because you say it yourself that things are not okay right now. He's in there hopefully getting treated for his issues and in the meantime, you need to take care of yourself. That's all you can do. Prioritize your health as he's currently prioritizing his own. If it helps putting your relationship on a break until your both are better, then maybe that's something to consider. Do you say you're afraid of it hurting, but aren't you already hurting?

You don't know what the future will hold and claiming a wished scenario of it isn't helpful. You need to focus on the now and ask yourself what's the best outcome for yourself, and then you can hope that you may be able to get back together at a later point in time. But also be open to others and new. I think it's time to take some tough decisions for both of your bests.

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bee wrote:

Nesta wrote:
You need to take care of yourself first, Bee. It may be hard to let go because it's scary to loose, and especially scary to loose good things, but notice how you say it like you still have all that good-once-in-a-lifetime-things? It's a contradiction because you say it yourself that things are not okay right now. He's in there hopefully getting treated for his issues and in the meantime, you need to take care of yourself. That's all you can do. Prioritize your health as he's currently prioritizing his own. If it helps putting your relationship on a break until your both are better, then maybe that's something to consider. Do you say you're afraid of it hurting, but aren't you already hurting?

You don't know what the future will hold and claiming a wished scenario of it isn't helpful. You need to focus on the now and ask yourself what's the best outcome for yourself, and then you can hope that you may be able to get back together at a later point in time. But also be open to others and new. I think it's time to take some tough decisions for both of your bests.

it hurts so much to read this, because i know its true. i cant live like this and i know what i have to do. thank you for your words, they mean a lot.