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Bloodflowers wrote:
a rant while feeling very cozy on more than prescriped benzo dots
During my years of being crazy I have sworn to myself that the doctors are full of shit and they’re treating me like I’ll always be “sick” and like I can’t be normal. And I have sworn to myself to prove them wrong and that I can do anything. But they’re completely right and I hate the pressure I feel to melt in with everyone else because it’s unrealistic.
The funny thing about bipolar disorder is that you do feel completely normal at times, weeks idk and I trick myself into thinking I’m misdiagnosed. And I stop watching out for good days and then the good day turns into that itchy feeling in my skin where it’s like vibrations and someone else is throwing 100 thoughts at once into my brain and I think I’m a gift of god walking on earth making all these connections and seeing all these truths that no one else can. There is poison in the medication, there is poison in the food and there is poison in the water. And I lock myself in for days and days not sleeping, overwhelmed with paranoia that “they” are going to break into my apartment and take me away since I have cracked all the codes and I must find a way to share my wisdom without getting caught. And I put furniture in front of the door. I see in front of me all these great things I can achieve but I can’t do shit bc I can’t eat and I can’t think and I can’t sleep. And all the rain turns into voices whispering to me. I close my eyes and I have horror movies playing under my eyelids and my body starts feel like it’s cramping bc it’s not normal to not move. That bitch kerstin wanting to show me her playlists on my wall and she’s scraping her pen on the wall and when I open my eyes she’s not there. The medication is making us sick it’s a type of brain control so that we won’t see through their bs etc etc etc.
And suddenly I crash and I go home and I just sit on the floor crying for hours. And the worst part is that it doesn’t matter how far I’ve come or how much personal growth I’ve done because I go back to that place and I’m just the same as I’ve always been and I will keep disappointing myself forever.
And u know I got to a point where I couldn’t leave my apartment even when I was “normal” because I was so exhausted I felt dizzy even getting to the grocery store.
And at this point meeting doctors I’m prepared with that list of medication I’ve taken because there’s not a lot of options left. I’ve taken medication that has made me pass out, medication that has made me high, medication that is addictive, medication that has made me manic, medication that has made me restless, medication that just made me tired, medication that has made me into a zombie, medication that hasn’t worked, medication that has made me throw up and medication that are just decent. A year on lithium did not get me what I hoped it would because now I just feel like it’s my fault I get to be called crazy on a weekly basis.
But also the worst worst part is always looking for a reason why. Looking back on trauma and my dads side of the family I wish there was something I could point to and say here is the problem this is why you’re fucked. Because I spent 6 years being annoyed I had to answer questons about bipolar disorder and 1 year hating myself and realising no one will love me because I’m crazy. And if anyone says no you’re not crazy actually I kind of am have you not seen my manic rants have you not seen me attempting to write an entire book in a night that I think I will sell hundred thousand copies of and become rich. If I find someone to love me I will go crazy and they won’t love me anymore because I can’t handle stress how I used to and I can’t handle good things happening without being like uh oh what will happen now.
And it also sucks that I wish I was just super chill and not vurnerable bein like i hav bipolar hihi fuck me but i get so much shit and i cant do anything at all. My own friends being uncomfortable in my presensce it’s a lonely type of feeling.
I also don’t know where to go from here because there’s no medication combination left and I don’t have time to do therapy but even then it’s at least a year long wait. And idk where I am because I’m decent but i still have moments where im like shit this is going to escalate and I can’t stop myself. And I hate myself and I wish I could cry just for myself but on lithium it’s not allowed I’ve cried twice this year in the entire year and I can’t shed a single tear.
This is my suicide note.
Jk its not
a rant while feeling very cozy on more than prescriped benzo dots
During my years of being crazy I have sworn to myself that the doctors are full of shit and they’re treating me like I’ll always be “sick” and like I can’t be normal. And I have sworn to myself to prove them wrong and that I can do anything. But they’re completely right and I hate the pressure I feel to melt in with everyone else because it’s unrealistic.
The funny thing about bipolar disorder is that you do feel completely normal at times, weeks idk and I trick myself into thinking I’m misdiagnosed. And I stop watching out for good days and then the good day turns into that itchy feeling in my skin where it’s like vibrations and someone else is throwing 100 thoughts at once into my brain and I think I’m a gift of god walking on earth making all these connections and seeing all these truths that no one else can. There is poison in the medication, there is poison in the food and there is poison in the water. And I lock myself in for days and days not sleeping, overwhelmed with paranoia that “they” are going to break into my apartment and take me away since I have cracked all the codes and I must find a way to share my wisdom without getting caught. And I put furniture in front of the door. I see in front of me all these great things I can achieve but I can’t do shit bc I can’t eat and I can’t think and I can’t sleep. And all the rain turns into voices whispering to me. I close my eyes and I have horror movies playing under my eyelids and my body starts feel like it’s cramping bc it’s not normal to not move. That bitch kerstin wanting to show me her playlists on my wall and she’s scraping her pen on the wall and when I open my eyes she’s not there. The medication is making us sick it’s a type of brain control so that we won’t see through their bs etc etc etc.
And suddenly I crash and I go home and I just sit on the floor crying for hours. And the worst part is that it doesn’t matter how far I’ve come or how much personal growth I’ve done because I go back to that place and I’m just the same as I’ve always been and I will keep disappointing myself forever.
And u know I got to a point where I couldn’t leave my apartment even when I was “normal” because I was so exhausted I felt dizzy even getting to the grocery store.
And at this point meeting doctors I’m prepared with that list of medication I’ve taken because there’s not a lot of options left. I’ve taken medication that has made me pass out, medication that has made me high, medication that is addictive, medication that has made me manic, medication that has made me restless, medication that just made me tired, medication that has made me into a zombie, medication that hasn’t worked, medication that has made me throw up and medication that are just decent. A year on lithium did not get me what I hoped it would because now I just feel like it’s my fault I get to be called crazy on a weekly basis.
But also the worst worst part is always looking for a reason why. Looking back on trauma and my dads side of the family I wish there was something I could point to and say here is the problem this is why you’re fucked. Because I spent 6 years being annoyed I had to answer questons about bipolar disorder and 1 year hating myself and realising no one will love me because I’m crazy. And if anyone says no you’re not crazy actually I kind of am have you not seen my manic rants have you not seen me attempting to write an entire book in a night that I think I will sell hundred thousand copies of and become rich. If I find someone to love me I will go crazy and they won’t love me anymore because I can’t handle stress how I used to and I can’t handle good things happening without being like uh oh what will happen now.
And it also sucks that I wish I was just super chill and not vurnerable bein like i hav bipolar hihi fuck me but i get so much shit and i cant do anything at all. My own friends being uncomfortable in my presensce it’s a lonely type of feeling.
I also don’t know where to go from here because there’s no medication combination left and I don’t have time to do therapy but even then it’s at least a year long wait. And idk where I am because I’m decent but i still have moments where im like shit this is going to escalate and I can’t stop myself. And I hate myself and I wish I could cry just for myself but on lithium it’s not allowed I’ve cried twice this year in the entire year and I can’t shed a single tear.
This is my suicide note.
Jk its not
17
