I NEED CAT ADVICE... or dude advice - Forum

Private
National star

scoff wrote:
myeah so this isn't a new problem

my eldest cat absolutely hates my boyfriend and i mean that in a way of as if she could kill him, she probably would
i thought it would pass once she got to know him, but we've been living together for about 7-8 months at this point and she just never ceases to hate his guts

let me provide you with a few examples of incidents that have occurred during these 7-8 months:
* she does not eat, drink, shit or piss when i'm at work. and i work 24 hour shifts. idky but she obviously doesn't trust him with keeping the food and water bowls filled, cleaning up the litter box etc. i mean i'm pretty sure she eats and drinks before he gets home from his work, but when he's home alone with them she doesn't take a bite.
* she growls and hisses at him, mostly when he touches me or she considers him as being physically too close to me. on one occasion when we had gone and gotten chinese takeout and a few beers to enjoy during a chill friday night at home he put his arms around me and was about to kiss me when she went absolutely crazy. she growled, hissed and actually SCREAMED at him for HOURS. the night actually ended with her shitting on the living room carpet from stress and me googling around the clock vet clinics because i thought she had gotten hurt or sick. but nope, the next morning it was like nothing had ever happened and she greeted me as usual when i got up to make coffee and give the cats their breakfast
* she pees on his stuff. and shits. you know that living room carpet? she shat on it again. i ended up throwing it out and buying a new one, one that i liked and wanted. she has not shat on it as of yet. and every night before i go to bed i have to walk around the apartment picking up whatever is his and on the floor, otherwise she pees on it during the night. even if the litter box is 100% clean. because she hates him. i can throw my entire closet out on the floor and she does not touch it. or, i mean, she might fall asleep on my clothes, but she doesn't use them as a toilet.

i do not understand this. at first i thought maybe she has a problem with men, because she wasn't too fond of my mom's bf either, but she has absolutely ZERO problems with my brothers, my male friends, my dad or even my ex. yeah, that ex. she would even sleep on his chest when he lay on the couch watching tv. the only other time she has had a problem with a man (or any person really) was when she was a kitten and living with my friend and her then bf. her then bf was a violent, abusive junkie that stole her money and took loans in her name and would throw furniture around him when angered and even hit my friend - so that dislike and discomfort was understandable. we all hated that man, he was a jerk.

ANY ADVICE? because we're getting to a point where my bf tries to have me rehoming her and i just won't. honestly i'd rather rehome him. no one's gonna fuck with my baby.

Private
World famous

bee wrote:
my cat once tried to kill my abusive ex so maybe take it as a sign. idk all i know is that cat > bf always

Private
International star

Raquelle wrote:
Aaaahhh what a horrible situation!
i know nothing about cats
or men
but i’m sending good vibes or something... hoping it resolves

Private
International star

wug wrote:
could she be jealous

Pitbull
Popstar

Pitbull wrote:
How is he behaving towards your cat? I think your cat thinks he's invading her privacy.
Does he ever approach her calmly? Does she have somewhere she can feel safe and secure while you're not home?

How is he towards her? Calls er names, has an angry tone?

Pitbull
Popstar

Pitbull wrote:
The issue is that either she's feeling that her space is being invaded - just like some cats might scatter hen new visitors come by. You have to try to help build some trust.

Try "forcing" them to stay in the same room, not petting or not too close, but at a distance just so she slowly can feel more comfortable being near him.

Consider getting feliway friendly.

Private
National star

scoff wrote:

Pitbull wrote:
How is he behaving towards your cat? I think your cat thinks he's invading her privacy.
Does he ever approach her calmly? Does she have somewhere she can feel safe and secure while you're not home?

How is he towards her? Calls er names, has an angry tone?

I'm pretty sure his behavior is what's causing the problem, yes, only he refuses to see that. He's very... buffalo-ish. When he's walking from one room to another, you hear it. He's also very good at accidentally dropping things or knocking things over, which scares the crap out of the cat. Hard thing to change, tho. He also has this idea that I either must have failed in raising my cat, or I just got a fucked up one. She doesn't like to be carried around or pet for long periods of time. She'd rather him not touch her at all, and that clashes with his view on what a cat should be like. He and the other cat gets along well, but then again the other cat is social, playful, likes to receive treats etc etc etc. The older cat is more reserved and wants to keep to herself to a greater extent. I can lift her up and carry her around if needed, so can apparently my mom. No one else in the world can, she gets mad.

He quit trying to do that however, or even interact with her at all besides filling up the food and water bowls when I'm at work. She still hisses at him tho. Idk.

Private
National star

scoff wrote:

bee wrote:
my cat once tried to kill my abusive ex so maybe take it as a sign. idk all i know is that cat > bf always

I don't think this cat is that good at reading people, to be honest. Like I said she loved my ex, and we all know he wasn't a good person.

Pavlov
International star

Pavlov wrote:
i recommend an exorcism

Private
National star

scoff wrote:

Pavlov wrote:
i recommend an exorcism

on him or on the cat?

Pavlov
International star

Pavlov wrote:

scoff wrote:

Pavlov wrote:
i recommend an exorcism

on him or on the cat?

both

MissLondon
World famous

MissLondon wrote:
Check vids on yt
for the show, My Cat From Hell
someone had a problem like yours
and perhaps you can try some
of the suggestions.

Good luck!

Private
National star

scoff wrote:

Pavlov wrote:

scoff wrote:

Pavlov wrote:
i recommend an exorcism

on him or on the cat?

both

guess i'll need to find a catholic priest then
and probably become religious and convert to catholicism (i mean i was christened in a protestant church so...)
sounds like way too much of a hassle tbh

Private
National star

scoff wrote:

MissLondon wrote:
Check vids on yt
for the show, My Cat From Hell
someone had a problem like yours
and perhaps you can try some
of the suggestions.

Good luck!

hey thanks for the advice!!! i'll do that

Pitbull
Popstar

Pitbull wrote:

scoff wrote:

Pitbull wrote:
How is he behaving towards your cat? I think your cat thinks he's invading her privacy.
Does he ever approach her calmly? Does she have somewhere she can feel safe and secure while you're not home?

How is he towards her? Calls er names, has an angry tone?

I'm pretty sure his behavior is what's causing the problem, yes, only he refuses to see that. He's very... buffalo-ish. When he's walking from one room to another, you hear it. He's also very good at accidentally dropping things or knocking things over, which scares the crap out of the cat. Hard thing to change, tho. He also has this idea that I either must have failed in raising my cat, or I just got a fucked up one. She doesn't like to be carried around or pet for long periods of time. She'd rather him not touch her at all, and that clashes with his view on what a cat should be like. He and the other cat gets along well, but then again the other cat is social, playful, likes to receive treats etc etc etc. The older cat is more reserved and wants to keep to herself to a greater extent. I can lift her up and carry her around if needed, so can apparently my mom. No one else in the world can, she gets mad.

He quit trying to do that however, or even interact with her at all besides filling up the food and water bowls when I'm at work. She still hisses at him tho. Idk.

There's the issue.
Lack of respect and literally no understanding her boundaries. If he doesn't allow her to connect and learn to trust at her pace, nothing will help. Try to imagine someone in your household constantly spooking you? You wouldn't like that person, just like she's clearly not liking him or wanting him near.

Please talk to him and let him know that with his current behaviour, she's not able to change or let alone try to accept him a a part of her "herd" This sort of "stubbornness" will not help at all. We usually get a lot of cats i - from previous homes - where a partner have had a vendetta against it and not allowing change to occur over time, since it's a long process and not something that'll magically fix itself overnight.
These cat are good cats, however they sadly end up scared and where we have to use 8 hours on a floor talking to them from a good distance until they finally allow us to maybe use one finger to caress them for a short period of time.

To sum it:
- Talk to you partner about him not willing to give her a shot
- Let her have a safe "space" and allow her to pull back whenever she feels like her privacy is invaded, a place where he isn't allowed (in the start)
- Where litterbox, food and water bowl etc. is placed during your work hours (however always allow her to have access to the rest of the house.
- Simply make them spend time together with no touching, lifting, etc. Make him talk to her at a distance, let her learn that he is not trying to make her scared
- Consider feliway friendly in the start (Feliways Friends)
- Allow her to have boundaries - this is important
- Acknowledge when there's progress and give her treats - or invest in a clicker

I hope the best for you and your cat. These types of situations are very hard and can be a toll on the household.

Private
National star

scoff wrote:

Pitbull wrote:

scoff wrote:

Pitbull wrote:
How is he behaving towards your cat? I think your cat thinks he's invading her privacy.
Does he ever approach her calmly? Does she have somewhere she can feel safe and secure while you're not home?

How is he towards her? Calls er names, has an angry tone?

I'm pretty sure his behavior is what's causing the problem, yes, only he refuses to see that. He's very... buffalo-ish. When he's walking from one room to another, you hear it. He's also very good at accidentally dropping things or knocking things over, which scares the crap out of the cat. Hard thing to change, tho. He also has this idea that I either must have failed in raising my cat, or I just got a fucked up one. She doesn't like to be carried around or pet for long periods of time. She'd rather him not touch her at all, and that clashes with his view on what a cat should be like. He and the other cat gets along well, but then again the other cat is social, playful, likes to receive treats etc etc etc. The older cat is more reserved and wants to keep to herself to a greater extent. I can lift her up and carry her around if needed, so can apparently my mom. No one else in the world can, she gets mad.

He quit trying to do that however, or even interact with her at all besides filling up the food and water bowls when I'm at work. She still hisses at him tho. Idk.

There's the issue.
Lack of respect and literally no understanding her boundaries. If he doesn't allow her to connect and learn to trust at her pace, nothing will help. Try to imagine someone in your household constantly spooking you? You wouldn't like that person, just like she's clearly not liking him or wanting him near.

Please talk to him and let him know that with his current behaviour, she's not able to change or let alone try to accept him a a part of her "herd" This sort of "stubbornness" will not help at all. We usually get a lot of cats i - from previous homes - where a partner have had a vendetta against it and not allowing change to occur over time, since it's a long process and not something that'll magically fix itself overnight.
These cat are good cats, however they sadly end up scared and where we have to use 8 hours on a floor talking to them from a good distance until they finally allow us to maybe use one finger to caress them for a short period of time.

To sum it:
- Talk to you partner about him not willing to give her a shot
- Let her have a safe "space" and allow her to pull back whenever she feels like her privacy is invaded, a place where he isn't allowed (in the start)
- Where litterbox, food and water bowl etc. is placed during your work hours (however always allow her to have access to the rest of the house.
- Simply make them spend time together with no touching, lifting, etc. Make him talk to her at a distance, let her learn that he is not trying to make her scared
- Consider feliway friendly in the start (Feliways Friends)
- Allow her to have boundaries - this is important
- Acknowledge when there's progress and give her treats - or invest in a clicker

I hope the best for you and your cat. These types of situations are very hard and can be a toll on the household.

hey thanks
i've actually implemented many of these things already because i love and care about my cat and i understand why she's so scared
will make sure to put another food and water bowl in a safe space when i'm off to work in the future tho!! great advice!

and i'll get a feliway