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DaddyIssues wrote:
Since I was little my family has always told me that I was being over-dramatic every time I reacted to something bad happening. Like you were not allowed to feel sorry for yourself or cry when something awful happened. This led to me thinking that every thing in my life is okay and I never took time processing the bad things that happened to me, cause I were never allowed to really show emotions.
I am now 20 and for the first time I have started to realize that these things are NOT okay and that it's more normal to show, then to not show, emotions.
A few of the things:
When I was 7, my dad died. A month later my grandma told me to not cry and to get over it. That crying would not bring him back and then I needed to stop being childish.
When I was 10-14, my brother physically abuse me. He would hit me until I was shaking on the floor, then proceed to kick me until I couldn't breath. My mother knew of this and did nothing. I told the school nurse who told me "That is sibling-love" and "I know your brother, he is a kind person".
When I was around 13-15 my mother would come in to my room screaming how I never would become anything in life. That I was useless. That I should stop feeling sorry for myself and just get up and do stuff. (I was diagnosed, from a shrink, with depression).
When I was 16 I met this guy online who was 24. He told me that no one ever would want me if I didn't lose weight. Telling me I looked better after I lost a ton of weight, giving me an ED. Telling me that I would look better thin and with bigger boobs. Constantly telling me that I wasn't good enough and comparing me to other girls. When we stoped seeing each other he told me "Well you were nice to fuck, but not worthy of love". My mom told me after, word for word, "you should just be happy you found someone who liked you".
When I was 17 I had to take my ex to a mental hospital after he tried to jump infront off a train. He was one of my best friends and got so close to death. When I came home shaking after this, my mom told me that I was being dramatic.
When I was 18, I got drugged and raped. I got told from my mom that I should stop whining since it was the guy I was dating at the time and therefor "I didn't get raped".
I am constantly asking myself if I am a bad and selfish person or if I deserve this. My family has left me with this feeling that no matter what happens, it is not bad enough to actually be sad about.
It's only too very recently that I though a lot of the things I've been through are normal and never actually though about how fucked up those things are.
Since I was little my family has always told me that I was being over-dramatic every time I reacted to something bad happening. Like you were not allowed to feel sorry for yourself or cry when something awful happened. This led to me thinking that every thing in my life is okay and I never took time processing the bad things that happened to me, cause I were never allowed to really show emotions.
I am now 20 and for the first time I have started to realize that these things are NOT okay and that it's more normal to show, then to not show, emotions.
A few of the things:
When I was 7, my dad died. A month later my grandma told me to not cry and to get over it. That crying would not bring him back and then I needed to stop being childish.
When I was 10-14, my brother physically abuse me. He would hit me until I was shaking on the floor, then proceed to kick me until I couldn't breath. My mother knew of this and did nothing. I told the school nurse who told me "That is sibling-love" and "I know your brother, he is a kind person".
When I was around 13-15 my mother would come in to my room screaming how I never would become anything in life. That I was useless. That I should stop feeling sorry for myself and just get up and do stuff. (I was diagnosed, from a shrink, with depression).
When I was 16 I met this guy online who was 24. He told me that no one ever would want me if I didn't lose weight. Telling me I looked better after I lost a ton of weight, giving me an ED. Telling me that I would look better thin and with bigger boobs. Constantly telling me that I wasn't good enough and comparing me to other girls. When we stoped seeing each other he told me "Well you were nice to fuck, but not worthy of love". My mom told me after, word for word, "you should just be happy you found someone who liked you".
When I was 17 I had to take my ex to a mental hospital after he tried to jump infront off a train. He was one of my best friends and got so close to death. When I came home shaking after this, my mom told me that I was being dramatic.
When I was 18, I got drugged and raped. I got told from my mom that I should stop whining since it was the guy I was dating at the time and therefor "I didn't get raped".
I am constantly asking myself if I am a bad and selfish person or if I deserve this. My family has left me with this feeling that no matter what happens, it is not bad enough to actually be sad about.
It's only too very recently that I though a lot of the things I've been through are normal and never actually though about how fucked up those things are.
17
