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Bloodflowers wrote:
I feel like I'm doubting everything. Like I can't trust myself to know what's real anymore.And I feel shame when I think of my past delusions and I feel shame when I think of past hallucinations.
I feel like any day I could go back into fantasy land where everything is awful and people are trying to kill me.Ā
I think of my most recent hospital stay when I thought my ex had sent people to watch me and eventually kill me. I thought the staff was in on it too and the other patients. I thought the staff were trying to poison my food and I would yell at them to close the door if the came into my room because I thought other patients could sneak in and hurt me. And all the hallucinations calling me a whore or bitch and sneaking shadows and my cat. Hallucinations telling me to shut up. I had to eventually start talking walks in the corridor with staff to start coming back to real life.
Honestly what even is real? What if I'm in psychosis right now and I just don't know it? I've had delusions that my ex boyfriend was going to propose so what if I'm not getting into another romantic relationship and it's just made up in my head and she doesn't even like me?
I've had so many psychotic episodes and they're all equally terrifying waking up from and realising I've been living in a fake world. And the hallucinations are crazy. One time I saw a dead girl on the couch and her skin was grey and she wasn't breathing. But appariently that wasn't real it only looked real.
How can the brain even do this?
I feel like I'm doubting everything. Like I can't trust myself to know what's real anymore.And I feel shame when I think of my past delusions and I feel shame when I think of past hallucinations.
I feel like any day I could go back into fantasy land where everything is awful and people are trying to kill me.Ā
I think of my most recent hospital stay when I thought my ex had sent people to watch me and eventually kill me. I thought the staff was in on it too and the other patients. I thought the staff were trying to poison my food and I would yell at them to close the door if the came into my room because I thought other patients could sneak in and hurt me. And all the hallucinations calling me a whore or bitch and sneaking shadows and my cat. Hallucinations telling me to shut up. I had to eventually start talking walks in the corridor with staff to start coming back to real life.
Honestly what even is real? What if I'm in psychosis right now and I just don't know it? I've had delusions that my ex boyfriend was going to propose so what if I'm not getting into another romantic relationship and it's just made up in my head and she doesn't even like me?
I've had so many psychotic episodes and they're all equally terrifying waking up from and realising I've been living in a fake world. And the hallucinations are crazy. One time I saw a dead girl on the couch and her skin was grey and she wasn't breathing. But appariently that wasn't real it only looked real.
How can the brain even do this?
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