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General < General
Had talk with husband today
LexiLuvsKirby
National Star



LexiLuvsKirby wrote:
About how he doesn't see any love in my eyes anymore 
and he said that he hasn't seen me be excited to see him in years
and I had to explain it's not because I hate him I'm just so preoccupied with the fact that eventually he'll leave like everyone always does that i try not to allow myself to show or receive affection because one day it will all be gone
13
Posts: 3538
Date: 19-06-2026 00:18
LexiLuvsKirby
National Star



LexiLuvsKirby wrote:
And because I know I will one day be alone I hurt and I want other people to feel hurt too so I say and do horrible things to them, especially my husband but it never makes me feel any better
And when he retaliates due to my actions it's only confirmation that he will leave me
13
Posts: 3538
Date: 19-06-2026 00:24
MissLondon
World Famous



MissLondon wrote:
then why did you get married?
20
Posts: 28459
Date: 19-06-2026 00:27
LexiLuvsKirby
National Star



LexiLuvsKirby wrote:
I can't even have a sexual relationship with him anymore 
Because I am so disgusting and fat and ugly, I can't focus on anything but the idea that he is looking at me and thinking horrible things about my body and I have to just freeze and take it
Then he gets offended and stops because I am not interested
I want so badly to feel sexy but there is nothing remotely sexually attractive on my body
13
Posts: 3538
Date: 19-06-2026 00:28
LexiLuvsKirby
National Star



LexiLuvsKirby wrote:
MissLondon wrote:
then why did you get married?
Because I thought I was capable of feeling love
13
Posts: 3538
Date: 19-06-2026 00:31
Private
Queen of Pop



Eliah wrote:
If he wanted to leave you he would have already. And perhaps he’s “retaliating” because you’re being rude to him and is verbally abusing him? If you’re literally going out of your way to be a dick and to hurt someone that’s supposed to be your partner, perhaps it’s time to break up. 
18
Posts: 7345
Date: 19-06-2026 00:42
LexiLuvsKirby
National Star



LexiLuvsKirby wrote:
Eliah wrote:
If he wanted to leave you he would have already. And perhaps he’s “retaliating” because you’re being rude to him and is verbally abusing him? If you’re literally going out of your way to be a dick and to hurt someone that’s supposed to be your partner, perhaps it’s time to break up. 
I don't mean to I just do
And I think it's a little harder than that to just "break up" with a spouse lol
13
Posts: 3538
Date: 19-06-2026 02:33
LexiLuvsKirby
National Star



LexiLuvsKirby wrote:
Everyone likes to pretend I do horrible shit because I wake up and decide to act out of pocket so everyone hates me

I promise I don't go out of my way to do evil things, I wish I was normal like everyone else and I could just laugh and be happy and have fun and the stuff normal people do

It's not like I want to hurt people that I love I just....do. every time. even when I thought the day was going ok
I always realize suddenly that I am incompetent and stupid and Ill never make my life into anything, and suddenly I can't hold back from breaking down
And then people try to figure out what my issue is but I can't let them know 
But they always push and push and won't let me be
13
Posts: 3538
Date: 19-06-2026 02:40
LexiLuvsKirby
National Star



LexiLuvsKirby wrote:
I wish someone could understand where I'm coming from and not pretend I'm something I'm not
13
Posts: 3538
Date: 19-06-2026 02:45
Private
Queen of Pop



Eliah wrote:
It just sounded like you were saying you went out of your way to hurt people because you wanted to give them the same feelings. 

And I mean, I think your husband loves you, otherwise he wouldn’t be with you or have married you in the first place. But I also understand why he gets tired or fed up with the way you say you treat him, especially if it’s something you do regularly. I can’t exactly help or offer any valuable advice because it’s not something I can personally relate to, but I understand wanting to feel “normal” sometimes, even though there truly is no normal, because everyone is going through things behind the facade they choose to put up, you only see what they want you to see. I think you need to start comparing yourself and your lives to others though, because it isn’t always greener on the other side. 
18
Posts: 7345
Date: 19-06-2026 02:52
Private
National Star



umxollie wrote:
gonna be honest here, imo people aren't leaving you just because that's how it's always gonna be and it's this unchangable fact or curse. People are leaving you because you're hurting them. And that is not something that can't change, but you have to put the work in for that and get help. 

I'm sure in the past there may have been people in your life that abandoned you for no good reason and that's why you have this strong fear and these strong reactions, but that doesn't give you the right to essentially punish everybody else for it too. I can totally believe that you're not doing that on purpose, that it is this uncontrollable impulse, but that still doesn't make it okay.
You need help, you DESERVE help, but you gotta start looking for it. Otherwise this is just gonna keep repeating. And again, it doesn't have to, your future is not set in stone, no one's is. It can be so much more than what your brain is currently trying to convince you of. 

I don't know what your options are wherever you're from, but there's gotta be something. Hell, even self-help groups can be a lifesaver and those are free.
12
Posts: 30
Date: 19-06-2026 03:01
Chat0yant
World Famous



Chat0yant wrote:
LexiLuvsKirby wrote:
Everyone likes to pretend I do horrible shit because I wake up and decide to act out of pocket so everyone hates me

I promise I don't go out of my way to do evil things, I wish I was normal like everyone else and I could just laugh and be happy and have fun and the stuff normal people do

It's not like I want to hurt people that I love I just....do. every time. even when I thought the day was going ok
I always realize suddenly that I am incompetent and stupid and Ill never make my life into anything, and suddenly I can't hold back from breaking down
And then people try to figure out what my issue is but I can't let them know 
But they always push and push and won't let me be
Your husband married you and from what you've said is wonderful so I'm sure he loves you and thus would want to know. Is there a reason you can't talk to him about the stuff you talk on vp about? If it's too hard to talk to him in person, you could write him (or other trusted people) a letter or even show some of the stuff on vp you write. Or my friend has been finding youtube videos that talk about mental health things that she can share easier with her parents. Maybe something like that to help the people in your life try and understand you more?

Also... I don't mean this judgementally, but you need help. And more than that, YOU DESERVE HELP. Idk if you are in therapy, but if you are i think you need to talk to your therapist about trying something new. I'm not a professional so idk, but like maybe a new therapist/pyschologist, new/changing medicine, etc. But you shouldn't have to live like this. You are not disgusting or awful and there is hope for you, so please don't give up on yourself! I know that's easy to say and hard to do.

I'm sorry if this is badly worded. I know i usually make everyone feel worse when i try to be encouraging, but I just really feel like I need to reiterate that you are not a worthless human.
20
Posts: 4477
Date: 19-06-2026 03:06
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