Now that I'm able to slowly cut ties with my muslim family and heal from the fears they created in me, I can finally slowly explore subcultures I was fascinated by as a child. The main one was goth, but my extended relatives made sure to terrorize me with eternal suffering in hell if I ever tried to even learn about it.
But now, I can slowly make the steps I've been willing to do for years. It's really hard to get out of my comfort zone and discover new stuffs, but I'm happy to finally make baby steps into progressing. The thing is, once again, I found comfort in a community known to be harsh. My first impressions of goth culture was that people appeared to be harsh, but were actually sweethearts sharing genuine advices and passion. But now that I'm trying to get into the scenes, every single interactions with goth people has been bad.
* Young goths who are gatekeeping goth culture and calling you a poser if you don't follow their strict rules (that don't even align with the goth mindset) * Elder goths just straight up shitting on my generation and how we are at risk of tearing apart the origins of goth (and of course they lash it onto me whenever I ask questions or show a bit of vulnerability) * Elitists that will almost haze baby bats to make sure they are truly into goth culture (and forcing elitist rules on them) * And most often, just a lot of goths who makes bad assumptions about me just because of my mental health ("you're too sensitive for this", "goth is not about depression, come back when you healed", "it's not that deep, stop being so emotional and listen to the damn music"
I already don't have my place in regular society, so why can't I even find one in alternative underground communities ? I'm so tired of people being like "the whole culture is about just enjoying the music, then do whatever you want", but they will still give me judgemental and harsh comments for being myself while listening to the music, often because I am "too sensitive for the harsh and abrasive aspect of the culture". But I thought it was only about the music ???
Are more "childish" alternative communities really the only way where I will be accepted without judgement ? Just because my shitty mental health is way too sensitive for this world ? I'm also thinking about trying age regression to see if it can help with some childhood traumas, but I don't want to live my whole life only socializing with "childish" alt communities. (I don't mean childish as derogatory, I just can't find another synonym for it)
I feel like I'm losing my mind, I can't understand if I'm truly just too confused and sensitive for this subculture or if they are really giving contradictory vibes/messages. I still love goth music and goth fashion, but now I often feel anxious anytime I'm learning about new stuffs, like if the goths I listed earlier are still watching my every moves into goth culture. I just wanted to finally enjoy the freedom to try out a subculture I've gotten my eye on for years, why did it had to turn out like this. Why do I have to be hypersensitive and somehow always attracted to communities where being harsh is a crucial part of the subculture ?
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