cobain wrote:
i laid down next to him after i'd stopped crying. but started to cry again. like i just laid there and tears were streaming down my face. seeing him. being next to him. feeling him. couldn't sleep for ages and cried the entire time.
right before i fell asleep i actually tried convincing myself i'm wrong. just so i could fall asleep.
i guess i gaslit myself pretty well. bc i'm thinking about this more and how it all might've happened. or like. looking for evidence myself, going through the entire day in my head. shit like that.
he left on 1 july. he did these searches on 8th of july. 9th was the wedding he was there for. the 10th he came home. i was quite anxious and missing him on the 8th and i think we talked multiple times that day. just bc i missed him. i remember that we talked around 7 in the evening or smth? he was doing preparations for the wedding n shit. this is the call where he asked me to transfer money. i was anxious and yada yada and missed him a lot. he did the searches between 10 and 11 that night. i sent him a snap at 12.30 ish saying "only 2 days unitl you're here beside me again" and i remember he answered me shortly thereafter, i know he was in his friends car and he said we'll soon be together again or smth.
this doesn't mean he didn't buy sex. but it calms me a bit thinking about it. for whatever reason. like so yeah he COULD have met someone or been to a club etc between 11 and when i snapped him. 1½ hours. but not likely? i would say? BUT then we didn't have contact again until the next day. so that's the entire night. but they also had a wedding to go to and early preparations etc. but. doesn't mean shit.
we didn't have much contact on the 9th, day of the wedding, bc... obviously, wedding. i just know i was very anxious, as i'd been the day before (maybe my gut telling me something was off idk or i was just anxious generally). he sent me pics of him at the wedding early in the evening. then he texted me when the wedding was done, around midnight i think. i asked him to call me but he said he was going back to another town so he had a lot of traveling to do and after that he was going straight to the airport. he called me when he was at the airport. so that's also an entire night that's like... anything could have happened. right?
i'm also trying to figure out the locations. because i know he was in cologne (or close to at least) the majority of the time. where his cousin, who was getting married, lives. the bride to be was in stuttgart. he had told me that they were going to stuttgart to bring her to cologne, i think? and i think they did it on the 8th. and he had searched for red light district in stuttgart. i don't know the details tho, i THINK they left for stuttgart on the 8th, after we talked. but i also remember talking to him again when he was with the bride to be's family. so we MIGHT have talked again on the 8th, later at night. i can't remember. maybe he was in stuttgart earlier and i'm thinking of the day before, that we had a call then at night and that's what i'm remembering. i also don't remember if the wedding was in cologne or stuttgart. i think maybe stuttgart? and he was leaving back to cologne after the wedding? but i feel like he told me they would come and bring her to cologne? as i said earlier. but i can absolutely be wrong about that.
i don't know. and i don't know why i'm thinking so much about it. can u tell i'm going insane?
me thinking about all of this doesn't mean i wont bring it up to him. i will. maybe i have changed my plans on how to do it tho. i guess it doesn't matter if he knows i've seen his search history.
it's just easier for me to think about it in detail n stuff and telling myself there's a CHANCE it's not what it seems. so that i can get through the next couple of days. and act normal with him. i miss him a lot. he's just at work, comes home in about 4h. i just.. want it to be normal today.
he is worried over the bachelorette party. yesterday he asked me to not come home so late tomorrow but i told him that i'll stay until it's not fun anymore, basically. because this is a special occasion and i don't want to go home at like 10 or 11 and miss out on a big event. he has told me he trusts me 100% when i'm sober but not at all when i drink. but i would never cheat. never. not even if i was off my face
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