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at which point do i give up on trying to be
Private
International Star



meilin wrote:
friends with people? like not in general but like a specific group of people. its sometimes fun hanging out with them but there are also downsides like too much talking without me getting a word in between (its also just overstimulating/tiring), differentiating values/ideas (which im fine with, but i feel like theyre sometimes pushed on me) and overall feeling of that im not really in the group like other people are. which i guess is valid since i hangout with them more rarely than they do and dont always participate in the group chat, but idk, i just dont really feel like im a proper member if that makes sense

i also get that i dont have to like,,, announce anything but it feels weird to be in the gc and occasionally attend the hangouts. we also became a group through my unis broader autism support group and it would feel weird to skip these hangouts but still go to the general autism support group hangouts or other hangouts that have emerged through that support group since several of the friend group members are active in the support group
18
Posts: 14033
Date: 28-10-2026 15:31
Private
International Star



meilin wrote:
i also feel somewhat hurt that they know what happened with my ex and that the breakup was hard but no one checked on me afterwards. which is maybe small but it hurt a bit. they did ask about dating and if im enjoying my new single life when we hungout one time, but that was like, a fun question, not one checking whether im doing okay given what happened
18
Posts: 14033
Date: 28-10-2026 15:35
Asmi
World Famous



Asmi wrote:
If you don't feel supported idk if it's worth keeping the friendship, but this is sooo subjective!
21
Posts: 8557
Date: 28-10-2026 15:40
ad0xa
World Famous



ad0xa wrote:
I think as soon as a group of people make you feel more bad than they make you feel good it's not worth it anymore? I mean. Actual good friendships actually don't make you feel bad at all XD 
Maybe annoyed that they were late, or like disappointed that they couldn't see you or whatever but not bad. 
21
Posts: 15000
Date: 28-10-2026 15:41
Private
International Star



meilin wrote:
Asmi wrote:
If you don't feel supported idk if it's worth keeping the friendship, but this is sooo subjective!
yeah idk i enjoy the company sometimes but i feel also kind of left out?
18
Posts: 14033
Date: 28-10-2026 15:41
Private
International Star



meilin wrote:
ad0xa wrote:
I think as soon as a group of people make you feel more bad than they make you feel good it's not worth it anymore? I mean. Actual good friendships actually don't make you feel bad at all XD 
Maybe annoyed that they were late, or like disappointed that they couldn't see you or whatever but not bad. 
mhm i feel like its like, 50/50? its hard to tell beforehand whether or not i will enjoy a hangout bc sometimes its nice but sometimes i leave genuinely drained and wishing i wouldnt have gone
18
Posts: 14033
Date: 28-10-2026 15:45
MissLondon
Queen of Queens



MissLondon wrote:
ad0xa wrote:
I think as soon as a group of people make you feel more bad than they make you feel good it's not worth it anymore? I mean. Actual good friendships actually don't make you feel bad at all XD 
Maybe annoyed that they were late, or like disappointed that they couldn't see you or whatever but not bad. 
This!
20
Posts: 28685
Date: 28-10-2026 16:12
ad0xa
World Famous



ad0xa wrote:
meilin wrote:
ad0xa wrote:
I think as soon as a group of people make you feel more bad than they make you feel good it's not worth it anymore? I mean. Actual good friendships actually don't make you feel bad at all XD 
Maybe annoyed that they were late, or like disappointed that they couldn't see you or whatever but not bad. 
mhm i feel like its like, 50/50? its hard to tell beforehand whether or not i will enjoy a hangout bc sometimes its nice but sometimes i leave genuinely drained and wishing i wouldnt have gone
When I used to have "friends" like this, turns out it wasn't good friends XD
I have social fobia and autism. So I thought it was bc of my issues. But it turns out that difficult situations actually get less difficult if you're with people who respect you. 

But that's just my experience I dunnu... I also don't really go out anymore? Like in busy settings. And drinking. But if I ever do it's been less difficult. 

At least I never feel drained hanging out with just them! 
21
Posts: 15000
Date: 28-10-2026 16:13 | Times changed: 1
Private
Popstar



bexxi wrote:
i have to agree with ad0xa if u dont feel good hanging out with them then they arent good for u ... 
15
Posts: 4042
Date: 28-10-2026 17:33
Private
International Star



meilin wrote:
ad0xa wrote:
meilin wrote:
ad0xa wrote:
I think as soon as a group of people make you feel more bad than they make you feel good it's not worth it anymore? I mean. Actual good friendships actually don't make you feel bad at all XD 
Maybe annoyed that they were late, or like disappointed that they couldn't see you or whatever but not bad. 
mhm i feel like its like, 50/50? its hard to tell beforehand whether or not i will enjoy a hangout bc sometimes its nice but sometimes i leave genuinely drained and wishing i wouldnt have gone
When I used to have "friends" like this, turns out it wasn't good friends XD
I have social fobia and autism. So I thought it was bc of my issues. But it turns out that difficult situations actually get less difficult if you're with people who respect you. 

But that's just my experience I dunnu... I also don't really go out anymore? Like in busy settings. And drinking. But if I ever do it's been less difficult. 

At least I never feel drained hanging out with just them! 
mhm. yeah, i feel like i kind of have to pretend im okay with things to fit in. whether its about that im quiet ("i just like observing" rather than comforting the fact that i have speech processing issues and im never getting a word in), about my values (no i dont want to try out polyamory after getting cheated on thank you very much), about people being vocal about their diets/eating (i have a past with EDs), etc. which does not seem sustainable ://
18
Posts: 14033
Date: 28-10-2026 17:42
Private
International Star



meilin wrote:
but if i stop attending, will it look like i actively dislike them, if i then still attend the general autism support group events and other gcs like one where people occasionally have tea together? since the people from this group are also active on those. do i still stay in the gc for this group? just quietly stop attending? idk.
18
Posts: 14033
Date: 28-10-2026 17:45
ad0xa
World Famous



ad0xa wrote:
meilin wrote:
ad0xa wrote:
meilin wrote:
mhm i feel like its like, 50/50? its hard to tell beforehand whether or not i will enjoy a hangout bc sometimes its nice but sometimes i leave genuinely drained and wishing i wouldnt have gone
When I used to have "friends" like this, turns out it wasn't good friends XD
I have social fobia and autism. So I thought it was bc of my issues. But it turns out that difficult situations actually get less difficult if you're with people who respect you. 

But that's just my experience I dunnu... I also don't really go out anymore? Like in busy settings. And drinking. But if I ever do it's been less difficult. 

At least I never feel drained hanging out with just them! 
mhm. yeah, i feel like i kind of have to pretend im okay with things to fit in. whether its about that im quiet ("i just like observing" rather than comforting the fact that i have speech processing issues and im never getting a word in), about my values (no i dont want to try out polyamory after getting cheated on thank you very much), about people being vocal about their diets/eating (i have a past with EDs), etc. which does not seem sustainable ://
yeah that's way too much work on your side to just... exist XD 
And it shouldn't be like that. 
21
Posts: 15000
Date: 28-10-2026 17:56
ad0xa
World Famous



ad0xa wrote:
meilin wrote:
but if i stop attending, will it look like i actively dislike them, if i then still attend the general autism support group events and other gcs like one where people occasionally have tea together? since the people from this group are also active on those. do i still stay in the gc for this group? just quietly stop attending? idk.
I think just stay in the group and quietly stop attending. If they ask you about it maybe come up with something like "I was  busy" and if they press you about it they're not being nice. Grownup friendship is not something where you constantly have to explain yourself. If you say a white lie to be nice the normal response is to just go "ah okay they're being nice" not hound you for a explanation or trying to poke hole in whatever reason you gave. I get that in autistic groups it might be harder bc we tend to want explanations XD but the feeling I'm getting is that this group won't actually accept "I just don't feel like it" but you know them better so if you think that would be fine to say, you can ofc say that! 

The main thing is that you shouldn't have to explain yourself for not joining a group. 
You're not required to do that. 
In a one and one relationship with a person you kinda are required to give an explanation if they ask you, bc it's more... close? But in a group setting I don't think it's normal to have to do that. 
21
Posts: 15000
Date: 28-10-2026 18:03
Private
International Star



meilin wrote:
ad0xa wrote:
meilin wrote:
but if i stop attending, will it look like i actively dislike them, if i then still attend the general autism support group events and other gcs like one where people occasionally have tea together? since the people from this group are also active on those. do i still stay in the gc for this group? just quietly stop attending? idk.
I think just stay in the group and quietly stop attending. If they ask you about it maybe come up with something like "I was  busy" and if they press you about it they're not being nice. Grownup friendship is not something where you constantly have to explain yourself. If you say a white lie to be nice the normal response is to just go "ah okay they're being nice" not hound you for a explanation or trying to poke hole in whatever reason you gave. I get that in autistic groups it might be harder bc we tend to want explanations XD but the feeling I'm getting is that this group won't actually accept "I just don't feel like it" but you know them better so if you think that would be fine to say, you can ofc say that! 

The main thing is that you shouldn't have to explain yourself for not joining a group. 
You're not required to do that. 
In a one and one relationship with a person you kinda are required to give an explanation if they ask you, bc it's more... close? But in a group setting I don't think it's normal to have to do that. 
true youre so right!! idk why im overthinking this so hard aehggh
18
Posts: 14033
Date: 28-10-2026 18:04
Private
International Star



meilin wrote:
thank you people of vp once again for your moral support 
18
Posts: 14033
Date: 28-10-2026 18:05
ad0xa
World Famous



ad0xa wrote:
meilin wrote:
ad0xa wrote:
meilin wrote:
but if i stop attending, will it look like i actively dislike them, if i then still attend the general autism support group events and other gcs like one where people occasionally have tea together? since the people from this group are also active on those. do i still stay in the gc for this group? just quietly stop attending? idk.
I think just stay in the group and quietly stop attending. If they ask you about it maybe come up with something like "I was  busy" and if they press you about it they're not being nice. Grownup friendship is not something where you constantly have to explain yourself. If you say a white lie to be nice the normal response is to just go "ah okay they're being nice" not hound you for a explanation or trying to poke hole in whatever reason you gave. I get that in autistic groups it might be harder bc we tend to want explanations XD but the feeling I'm getting is that this group won't actually accept "I just don't feel like it" but you know them better so if you think that would be fine to say, you can ofc say that! 

The main thing is that you shouldn't have to explain yourself for not joining a group. 
You're not required to do that. 
In a one and one relationship with a person you kinda are required to give an explanation if they ask you, bc it's more... close? But in a group setting I don't think it's normal to have to do that. 
true youre so right!! idk why im overthinking this so hard aehggh
No I totally get it I do that too. Especially being autistic you always overanalyze things to not "break any social rules" XD bc they are weird and hard to understand and we grew up constantly hearing we're doing the wrong thing. Ofc any small situation is going to be bigger to us. 
21
Posts: 15000
Date: 28-10-2026 18:06
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