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| So I'm probably just gonna ramble, and I have no idea how long this is going to be. I just wanna get it out. I, a 14 year old, soon to be 15, was born a girl. Female. Growing up this was just who I was. My favourite colour was pink, I loved dressing up as a princess, and I'd often yell at boys "boy bacteria", and stay away from them(still had male friends tho). Despite this I do remember playing with guys and having a male best friend, which kind of contradicts my memories. Oh well. I remember often partaking in games such as wrestling and running, where I'd be the only girl. I'd play cars(as well as dolls), and although I never got to join, I always longingly watched as the guys ran around with guns playing war. I didn't own any play guns and didn't dare to ask. I guess I was never too feminime, but at the same time not really a "tomboy" either. At around the age of 12, as I browsed the internet, I started coming across things LGBTQ related. By that time I'd had one crush on a girl, and still held that crush. So I identified as Bisexual, at the time. But as I read more on these topic, I came across videos, articles and documentaries on transexuals. I was intrigued. There wasn't really much material, and what I found was all Male to Female. Although I learned stuff, I was extremely disappointed that I didn't find any Female to Male. I actually started asking myself, whether this was a one-way thing. If it wasn't possible for girls to want to become boys, just like those boys wanted to become girls. I started to realise maybe I didn't want to be a girl, but a boy. This would also explain the depression I had been going through. I was uncomfortable with myself. I hated myself, my body and everything about myself. I didn't know why though, and so this seemed like a possible answer. For a while I kept searching for information on Ftm, and sure enough, I found it. Lots of it. I was convinced. I want to become a boy. I never came out though, cause "what if I'm wrong?" What if it's just a phase, as they all say. I became 14, and as I joined new communities, namely Tumblr and the youtube community, I got to see other people, talk to other people who felt the same, or atleast understood and were supportive. Online I went as a transman, or even just as a boy for that matter. I also discovered a new term more fitting for my sexuality, Pansexual. Although as I got more into the details of transitioning, the cost, the aftermath and everything alike, I started getting doubts. Is this really what I want, or not? The only thing I knew for certain was that I was definitely not cisgendered. I started going by Non Binary, Genderqueer or Genderfluid, rather than Trans. I didn't want to transition. I just wanted to be male. Plus guys kindof intimidated me at times, and some were really idiots. I doubted whether I wanted to be part of them. I liked the idea, not the reality of it, I guess. Yet I hated my body. Despised it. After spraining my angle, I got one of those binding rolls, which I then began using for binding. And yes, I know it ain't healthy, but I didn't have any means of getting a binder, and I sure as hell wasn't coming out. I've always had problems with my body image, never been self confident with my physical appearance. I am, and have always been overweight. Now not only that, but also the fact that I have a female body was hurting me. I managed to lose weight, almost reaching what would be categorized as 'normal weight'. Right before reaching this however, I backlashed and gained almost all of it back. My theory was that by losing weight I will naturally become thinner and therefore my curved, such as breasts and ass will become smaller. The ideal was for it to become neutral enough to pass as male. Plus by gaining muscles I could get a more masculine physique. As said, this failed, and I gained back over half of it again. And here we are, my current situation. I am fat again, like always. I am waiting anxiously for my first binder that I ordered two weeks ago, desperately trying to figure out how to explain or what excuse to use, without coming out. My hope is that it arrives next weekend, since my parents will be out then, and maybe I will need no explaining. I desperately want to become male. To look male. I hate the female body, anything female really. I seem to have gained a grudge against them. An irrational grudge, yet something I can't quite get rid of. As I read stories, fanfictions and watch movies on gay, male to male couples, I can't help but wish I was in a relationship like this. Me, female, in a male to male relationship. Sucks. I literally feel heartache watching boys loving, wishing I could be that too. Wish I could grow up as a guy, fall in love with a guy. Even if I am to transition at this point, I'll most likely be well grown up by the time it's over. I will never have the childhood, the upbringing, as a boy, but rather a girl. Not just a girl, a freak girl, considering I don't really act like most girls around me. Which is also a reason I hold back from coming out. What's the point, I've already wasted 14 years. While I know this is only a fraction of my life, it is a very important fraction. It is my childhood, my teenage years. What will most likely shape alot of whom I am to be in the future. Although I have had crushes on girls, there have only been two, as opposed to many upon many guys. As well as I'm not really seually attracted to the female body, and don't find it all that attractive altogether(maybe a side effect of my own selfhatred of my body). I feel like I am mainly attracted to men, yet I am compelled to say I'm straight, since that would imply a male and female relationship, which I definitely am not interested in. I like guys, but only as a guy. I want to be with a guy, as a guy. Not as a girl. But I cannot call myself gay either, considering that would be concieved as lesbian. bisexual wouldn't work either, since I am not at all equally attracted to both genders. Therefore I chose pansexual, as it felt the most correct, althouh not quite. I am so frustrated. For I do not wish to live a life as a ftm, nor a woman. I simply wish to be male. to be born like that, and grow up like that. I feel like I'm spiralling back into the depression I managed to get out of. I don't want to go back there. Depressed, suicidal, self hating and self harming. Avoiding people and isolating myself in my own misery. I feel like I'm living in a world of fiction. Whenever I can, I will most likely be reading something, listening to some song or daydreaming about another world. Where I'm happy. |
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